Stand Up Comedy Wala Blog – III

Culture! Let’s take a witty angle on Culture and Rituals this time! [Insert Laughter]

I know you would agree when I say this Indian society today goes all the way and beyond to safeguard its culture and rituals. But who invented these cultures and rituals anyway. Someone says if you sneeze before an exam or an interview then you will flunk it ![Insert Laughter] . Ya right. Your nose is the most sensitive to temperature variations and dust thats all. Your nose has no idea whether you would crack an interview or an exam. The least it can tell you is that whether the exam hall smells hygienic and not of urine from the washroom nearby or whether the invigilators had a bath or no. [Insert Laughter]

According to 1900s Indian culture (influenced by 500 years of Mughal rule and 300 years of British rule), women could not step out of the house (prior to Mughal rule there were no such restrictions on women in the Indian culture btw). Eventually the Indian women did step out in late 1900s [oh yes], they started riding pillion on scooters, then they started learning driving and now men ride pillion while women drive. Culture has always been a system to grant the elders and males the upper hand in this confused society. Obviously in 1900s if the elders had to clarify logical situations they couldn’t contact their ancestors in the 13th century of pre Mughal era? [Insert laughter]

Imagine if men had to change their surnames, give up their careers after marriage to bring up the kids [like male penguins do] while their wives go to work, men would have definitely revolted after a few centuries just like women. It’s got nothing to do with the Indian rituals. It’s all about what’s outside the house that attracts the human psychology. Men would die to get out of the house somehow and work just like women. Because it’s fun no? [Insert Laughter]

Take the work from home scenarios these days. It has put everyone in the same pedestal. Kids, Teenagers, Adults and Senior citizens. Everyone is tired of staying at home. Covid 19 is an equalizer like none other [Insert Laughter]. Had it been left to the Civil courts in this country, it would have taken many more decades to gain acceptance that Indian Men can also do domestic chores and cooking.. even bigger challenge being the moms of these Indian men btw [Insert laughter] . So the pandemic did something good afterall [Insert laughter].

Also, overall, what can poor Indians do anyway. They are just influenced by 500 years of Mughal invasion and 300 years of English invasion. Oppression of female kind was never in our culture. There is a reason why we have all our rivers named after women. Gayathri mantra is supposed to be the most powerful mantra. And according to our Vedas which is clearly 5000 years old, for anyone to win over MAYA and attain Moksha (salvation) one would need the grace of Goddess Shakti (female) herself. We valued women so much. Thanks to Mughals and English we started objectifying women and women’s body parts. (Btw, sorry Ajanta and Ellora never objectified women ok.) [NO laughter]

Today the khaap panchayat we see and all the hate killings is unfortunately due to the influence of the British’s “divide and rule policy”. The first Governor General probably who visited India saw so much variation in the Indian society and yet he was shocked by the fact how smoothly the society was functioning without any friction or opposition. He decided this was the biggest way to break and divide the society and so the British did break us.

Even today there are so many killings in the name of caste all over this holy land. North to South, East to West of India.

So we need to think. Who has benefited from the present Indian culture? Has it benefited the Mughals or the British or the Indians? Definitely not the Indians yeah?

So tomorrow if your parents ask you to wear the religious symbolism on your forehead (Hindu) or your neck (Christian) or your skull (Muslims and Sikhs).. or if they ask you to wear caste symbolisms on you, reject them.. not because the Americans want you to reject but because 800 years ago we Indians oursleves were already a smoothly functioning society and also we were the golden parrot (riches) that the whole uncivilized world was looking to loot! Yes .. they were looters.. the Mughals and the British alike. Americans weren’t even relevant then bro.

This blog is like ‘Food for Thought’ especially if you are a punjabi [Insert laughter]. Sorry couldn’t resist that. We love our Punjabis any day.. for their liveliness and their weddings but Punjabis inturn love food.. thats why I said food for thought.. Ha. Thankfully the Mughals or the British could not destroy this! [Insert laughter]

— Varun Gowtham Mannava

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Stand Up Comedy Wala Blog – II

Ok so for all those people who thought my 2nd blog was going to be about Thalaiva, sorry, that was just a classy twist-ending to hook you on to my 2nd blog ok?[Insert laughter] That was typical season 1 episode 1 ending template that one would see in any OTT [Insert laughter]!

Everyone in India knows, especially everyone in South India knows that “no one” makes stand up jokes on Thalaiva. Why? Because we worship him. [No Laughter]

It’s like joking on the late Bal Thackeray and walking out alive on the streets of Mumbai [Insert laughter]. Although Rajni sir is also a Marathi (Shivaji Rao Gaekwad) who made it big in Tamil Nadu. Still. One could eventually crack a derogatory comment on Rajni sir and still walk freely in Tamil Nadu (like Seeman or Vaiko or other pro tamil politicians or actor Sathyaraj for that matter) [Insert laughter], one cannot do the same in Mumbai if they speak nonsense about the erstwhile Bal Thackeray Sahab, the ‘God Father of Maharashtra’.[Insert laughter]

Bal Thackeray sahab se yaad aaya .. remember Swedish Mafia concert in Mumbai back in November 2012[Insert laughter]. Not Sarkar movie (Lets get to that in a while). Entire Mumbai was shut down. My friends from Hyderabad traveled all the way to Mumbai for the concert (Swedish Mafia) in 2012. They were bluntly informed that “Aaj shri Bala Saheb Thackeray ka dehaant ho gaya tho taxi nahi chalegi” [Today shri Bala Saheb Thackeray passed away, cabs won’t run]. Disappointed my friends came back to Hyderabad after starving for 2 days in Mumbai [Insert laughter].

Imagine how Swedish Mafia would have felt in 2012 after this cancelation, they would have gone soul searching saying that ‘in front of Mumbai Mafia we (Swedish Mafia) were nothing’ [Insert laughter].

Mafia se yaad aaya, so many RGV movies that made us fall in looouuuvvvee with these Mafia employees and Mafia bosses no (including THE Family Man Biku Mathre)? [Insert laughter] The truth is way too ugly.

Remember the debut of Nawazuddin Siddique in ‘Black Friday’ movie? [Insert laughter]. Apparently it’s directed by Anurag Kashyap (assistant director to one and only RGV) .. Nawaz bhai plays a role of an accountant to Tiger Memon bhai and he has no clue of a bomb blast being planned by Tiger Memon bhai. That’s the reality and not these Amitabh Bachchans or Abhishek Bachchans Sarkar ok? [Insert laughter]

I visited Mumbai 2 times in my life so far and I had never met these Mafia but why does RGV or his assistant directors portray Mumbai as a dark shady place? [Insert laughter] I so wanted to ask the auto driver or the taxi driver if they are related to any Mafia and if they are undercover tonight and if i was the lucky guy to get caught in a shootout![Insert laughter] but I restrained myself. What if he really was a member and pulls out a revolver at me![Insert laughter]

Imagine how thrilling that would be? I would then call my parents for one last time and tell then that I am going in an auto or taxi in Bombay and the start telling them my farewell messages like in the 2012 movie? [Insert laughter]

“Papa, you must have watched RGV’s ‘Satya’ movie, remember the public who gets caught in the shootout between Biku Matrey and encounter specialist? I am traveling from Colaba to Powai and have no guarantee whether I will reach home or not”[Insert laughter]… ( my parents would be answering my call from Hyderabad btw).

I am just dramatizing btw.[Insert laughter] Or am I ????[Insert laughter]

Hell, everytime I visit a squash club which I haven’t[Insert laughter], I look out for the Son of Sarkar and his girlfriend (Abhishek and Katrina in Sarkar movie)[Insert laughter], for that matter even in a pub [Emraan Hashmi types].

Please show a pistol pointed at me before I die and then I could die peacefully [Insert laughter]..

Arey God father se yaad aaya.. the first son of a God father (Marlon Brando, or Kamal Hassan or Amitabh Bachchan or Kaleen Bhaiya) usually never makes it big remember?[Insert laughter] And the living proof is in the current Mumbai Chief Minister (uh oh ).

Enough said [Insert laughter]. I hope Raj Thackeray is reading this blog btw ( in Marathi translation)! [Insert laughter]

Real jokes are in the real society bro! [Insert laughter].

If you are not born in Tamil Nadu then even Thalaiva is treated as an outsider in Tamil Nadu politics [Insert laughter]. What a joke really!!!! Everyone enjoys Thalaiva’s movies but if he says he wants to do good for the Tamil Nadu public by entering politics then all of a sudden he needs to be the son of the Tamil Soil ???? Really??[Insert laughter]

So the current Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu is called STALIN !! [Insert laughter]… wonderful. Stalin was a Russian dictator bro. Forget Russian, but alteast remember dictator bro ! No? [Insert laughter]

I feel my Tamil brothers are so naive that they can elect someone called STALIN as their chief minister and they did so actually?!!

If my tamil brothers are true sons of the soil as they claim then they should agitate publicly and ask STALIN to change his name to a Tamil name yes ?[No laughter]

These days the biggest joke in Tamil Nadu is the “Vedas” [Rig veda, Yajur Veda, Atharva Veda and Sama Veda] because they offer all the solutions to all our existing problems? Truth is that today’s generation don’t want any solution, they just want to rant out. Cool !!

Arey Tamil se yaad aaya, Srilankan Tamils in the latest series Family Man 2 (Amazon Prime) and Srilankan Tamils crisis in Jagame Thandhiram movie (Netflix).

More to come on my next blog. Promise.

–Varun Gowtham Mannava

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Stand Up Comedy Wala Blog – I

Ok so, you might have heard about stand up comedy ya? This blog is a twist. I have a lot of comedy (comedy in my opinion) to be rolled out but I can’t do a stand up comedy video or open mic sessions yet. Maybe in the future, yes, who knows?

For now I have decided to express my comedy wala research through the best medium I am comfortable with. Blog. Writing.

Let’s start with the legendary Jennifer Lopez.[insert laughter]

She is nick-named “jLo”. Imagine if her name was Leila Lopez. Then what would she be called? “LeLo” [insert laughter]. Everyone, LeLo tonight! [insert laughter]

LeLo se yaad aaya (I remember about LeLo), a very entertaining and enlightening song. Laila Teri le legi [insert laughter]

“Dil Tera le legi, jaan Teri le legi, Imaan Tera le legi, oh Laila Teri le legi tu likhke le le ..”

Firstly, these are gangsters at lokhandwala or wadala or dosala, Mumbai..[insert laughter].. If they could actually write they would have joined BEST as Bus Conductors bro. How can they “likhke le le” bro. Think? [insert laughter]

Also I feel bollywood song lyrics have a lot of fillers.. because in the above song after “Dil Tera le legi”, they say “Jaan Teri le legi” .. isn’t it obvious ki “Dil de diya hai, Jaan tujhe denge” (another song).. come on already, even a small child in Mumbai knows after Dil its Jaan’s time to go.. yes? [insert laughter] Arithmetic progression.. Dil > Jaan > Waada! ..

But still, we listen to those unnecessary filler lyrics because we love fillers and we have a lot of free time, [insert laughter].. oh man how much we love fillers..

Filler se yaad aaya, Mirzapur, naam tho suna hoga, right?[insert laughter]

I was watching Nat Geo recently for the love watching something sensible post 11 pm . So Nat Geo loves lions and lion prides, maybe the owner is a Leo (sun sign and not Leo Dicaprio)? [insert laughter].

So I was watching this series on lions and they tell us how many times the male lion has intercourse with the female lion. It’s almost seconds worth of intercourse each time and then the lioness starts shooing the lion away[insert laughter]. This act goes on for many hours[insert laughter] .. yep .. 2 days later they go back to their normal life .. wow. See I put a filler before revealing you the actual filler.. writers I say [insert laughter].

So I was watching Nat Geo on TV where these lions/ lionesses etc are having fun, I am not [insert laughter]. Suddenly my partner walks across. She notices I am watching Nat Geo lions. She immediately says.. ” This reminds me of the old man in Mirzapur, who keeps watching lions mat” [insert laughter] !!

Well one cant deny what she said. But one cannot deny the fact that these lion and lionesses were fillers in such a tight series like Mirzapur no? [Claps]

Chalo ab Mirzapur se yaad aaya, what the f*** happened to those who watched Game of Thrones since 2010 or so? Because I didn’twatch it till 2018. So you loved Mirzapur? Then why did you take so much pain to watch game of thrones that too for so many seasons (British accent mate) [insert laughter]

Ho gaya na, Ned stark is Bablu bhaiya,[insert laughter] season 1 end he dies. Munna bhaiya is Tyrion Lannister, a womanizer and short in height but high on pride and alcohol [insert laughter]. Damn.. Guddu bhaiya is Jon snow, (you know nothing Jon snow wala) .. he literally knows nothing in season 1 [insert laughter] and that Gajgamini is Arya Stark? Come on.. Gajgamini is way cuter than Arya stark. No? I like Indian women btw[insert laughter].

Kaleen bhaiya is that unique piece who carries this copy cat series on his shoulders right (literally just with his neck movements) [insert laughter] ? Kaleen is cersei ? Hopefully they don’t make Kaleen bhaiya go on a walk of shame in season 3 [insert laughter].

I loved the widow politician in season 2 btw. This was Mirzapur ok?[insert laughter]

Last paragraph! I know you are enjoying reading this but my phone is dying, so I need to wrap my ‘Stand Up Comedy Wala Blog -1’ with the below few lines. Don’t worry I shall keep writing many more.

Ok so we started off with jLo and ended with Gajgamini. Hope you wasted lesser time in this ‘Stand Up Comedy Wala Blog-1’ than on those unlimited binge watching series on unlimited OTTs [insert laughter]. If no, I feel for you, really.[insert laughter].

I hope an Amazon Prime or Netflix employee is reading this and considering me as their creative writer for their next Genuine Desi series! [insert laughter]

Btw, .. Bus Conducter se yaad aaya “Thalaivaaaaa” .. coming up in episode 2… !!!

— Varun Gowtham Mannava [insert laughter]

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A Millennial Girl In Search Of Her Roots!

It was 31st December 2020. That time of the year when the whole world would let go of old thoughts and welcome new thoughts. But I met a person who was so closely connected to her roots [old thoughts as one might say], that it was hard to ignore her.

I was heading to a friend’s house after a new year party at a public place. All COVID protocols followed btw. I had no idea back then that I was going to get content for this new blog back then (I know its 6 months past now btw).

So I reach this place and I meet people whom I have never met before. However there was this one person who I instantly connect to because she tells me she is from a place called Mithila in BIhar.

Now, whoever knows Indian history/ mythology knows Mithila as the birth place of Goddess Sita, the wife of Lord Rama.

I ask her the same just to reconfirm the same fact. She obliges! You know how it is on a new year eve, ha!

What happens next is a joy ride of information exchange between the both of us. Imagine, on new year’s eve we both are sitting and exchanging information about Ramayana which happened many thousands of years ago!

OK! So how many of us know there is a language called Mithila? Even if we know, how many of us know its actually published on the back side of a 100 /- Rupee note (Indian Currency) ? I was shocked to know this. In fact, I pride myself of knowing Hindi, Punjabi [to small extent] and all four south Indian languages but when I was faced with this situation on the back side of a 100/- rupee note I was ashamed of myself that I missed a big part of India’s History and its culture and languages of course!

So Mithila is in present day Bihar and it is the birth place of Sita Maata. King Janaka ruled the kingdom of Mithila. Sita Maata was King Janaka’s daughter. In fact, Mithila is the kingdom where Lord Rama himself visits for the Swayamvar [to marry Sita Maata]. Lord Rama ultimately breaks the Shiva Dhanush and marries Sita Maata. Just FYI, the King of Sri Lanka [Raavanasura] also tries his hand at the Swayamvar but fails ultimately.

King Janaka has a special mention in Advaita Vedanta (Vedas) too, for reasons beyond Ramayana!

Now you might be wondering why I am talking about all this. And more so why I am showing you the picture of the back side of a 100/- Rupee note?

The reason is simple. I want to dedicate this blog to that girl who informed me of the mother tongue of Sita Maata (Mithila). This person tells me she was also born in the same place as Sita Maata and that Mithila is one of the official languages of India. But its slowly dying. Not many are aware of this language.

Voila! This blog is a crude attempt to make all Indians aware of their official languages at least. God knows how many more languages we are not aware of yet. But thats not the point of this blog. There’s more!!

This blog is also dedicated to this Millennial girl from Mithila who says although she is working for a start-up in Delhi-NCR, her true passion is in archeology! [Earth, my friends!]

This is where I was truly taken aback! This Millennial girl from Mithila wanted to research on earth (of all the things)! Why? Because its evolutionary (in my opinion). Just a few thousand years ago, the Princess of Mithila [Sita Maata] was born from the earth [Bhu-maata] and she got married to Lord Rama, lived her life in van-vaas (forests) and in Lanka (during her abduction by Raavanasura) and back in Ayodhya, gave birth to Luva-Kusha (in a forest) and finally went back to her mother [Bhu-maata] the earth herself!

What a co-incidence!

My 2021 new year was eventful, hope yours was as eventful and enriching as mine! Let me know. If not, there’s always 2022 ok?!

–Varun Gowtham Mannava

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Tittliaan song review : Of New Age Toxic Relationships & How To Handle Them!

I can’t believe I am writing a song review. A first in my 10 years of blogging. But this song has some unknown affinity that I wanted to dwell deep.

Firstly, I dont know Punjabi! But who cares. I want to document my emotions whenever I hear this song.

So I started with a basic research on why this song became so popular.

First things first. The voice of the singer here. It depicts pain, emotional pain. Afsana Khan has done a great job here, I am sure everyone would agree.

Secondly, the lyrics are most relevant to current times when relationships are like walking on thin ice. The lyrics depict the discovery of a woman in the relationship about the person she loved so much but he turns out to be a “butterfly who sits on one flower some times and another flower sometimes and altogether another flower sometimes later. He used to be ashamed and would do it secretly before but now he has grown the balls to do it right in front of her and that too he makes eye contact with the women he is loving other than her. A lot of her friends have tried to tell her about his wandering ways but she was still loving him. Finally she says those who don’t know you, they don’t know you but those who know you they don’t respect you anymore!”

Obviously, this means a lot in a relationship. The woman is in pain knowing her man is wandering like a butterfly and looking for different flowers even though he knows that a beautiful flower loves him too much. Loyalty comes first!

There is only one way out of this.

The woman should rightly dump him and get out of this toxic relationship which she does at the end of the song (in the video).

The Third and most important strength in this song is the music, which rarely exists and its all natural instruments. Its such a big relief from all those techno noises in a regular viral song. This song uses Sitar (I am guessing), Tabla, Harmonium, Flute. This is so Amazing!

With minimal techno noise, the painful voice of the singer, the impactful lyrics, minimal and natural musical instruments, this song is a delight to the listeners and music lovers! Especially in pubs!

–Varun Gowtham Mannava

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Six words on resolving relationship conflicts!

All the world’s a stage, rehearse!

  • – Varun Gowtham Mannava
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Six words on ideal socializing skills!

World without strangers, tread with caution!

-Varun Gowtham Mannava

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Six words on an Ideal Date!

Stop deriving meaning whenever you date!

– Varun Gowtham Mannava

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Love Aaj Kal [Love These Days]

So, you might have heard of all the fairy tales on Love stories. Do listen to this story too! Because this is no story nor is it a fairy tale!

Now, I know you would protest that love is made in Heaven and that subsequently marriages are made in Heaven too. Yes, if you go and ask my parents or your parents they would approve of this fact. But then a lot happened. What happened and how? If you want to know, read on!

2020 October, Place : Gurugram – Manhattan Brewery.

I enter an enclosed area where I can hear what everyone is speaking aloud. So I dig into what a specific couple is actually talking about. I realize they are talking about their relationship.

Comic relief : A ship that will never sink is FriendShip! Ok? You must have heard Mustafa Mustafa song by AR Rahman? No? Fine, listen to it now ok?

Ok, lets get to the point now, Love Aaj Kal!

I saw that the couple were quite into each other. Literally! There was PDA definitely. For those who are wondering what PDA is – Public Display of Affection. To be more clear, they were actually making out in public view.

Now comes the interesting part. The girl starts talking. What she says will leave you in astonishment. Same as me. I had never heard such a proposal in my whole life.

Ok, so the boy kept on repeating like a parrot that we are still testing waters with our relationship and that we still need time to take it to next level.

You would have already guessed that the guy started speaking like this because the girl started asking him to commit to their relationship. Then the girl went on to say something more that caught my attention.

So, here’s how the conversation progressed.

Girl : “Ok, see let me know if you want to take this forward, lets commit to this.”

Boy : “I need some time to actually see where we are going with this. I really don’t want to commit to this unless you and I actually realize we are suitable for this. Let’s not hurry.”

He kept saying “Lets take this slow” repeatedly. “Lets not rush into this, lets see how our compatibility goes.”

To this, the girl went one step ahead and said this —

Girl : “My best friends they are married and both of them have a partner outside their marriage!!!!!!!!!!! So we can have similar arrangement. I am not rushing you into this relationship. Just that I am saying I am open to this kind of an arrangement.”

Boy : “Yes that sounds practical, but I still need time to commit to you.”

I was flabbergasted! I wanted to approach both of them saying I am a Dating Coach and that I wanted to speak to them separately on why they need to reconsider their conversation.

But by then the waiter came up to me asking me to pay the bill. So I went with the flow.

I just wanted to share this story because I felt it was too displaced and shook the very pillars of a relationship. But if that is how the future generation feels, then who are we to put a blockade. Maybe we need to learn from them? I don’t know.

Let couples find happiness and make babies after marriages or babies before marriages. Let them fix a partner outside marriage or within marriage too!

This is latest Love Aaj Kal. I hope Imtiyaz Ali is reading this!

–Varun Gowtham Mannava!

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Love Love Love!!! (soon to be a Romantic Fiction book/ web series)

How Akash, an introvert from Chennai becomes an extrovert, makes his way through a lot of friends and establishes himself as a Love Guru in Delhi. He meets his first true love Shruti in a Speed Dating event and they connect on that very night. Shruti is from Bengaluru.

For the next 4 months Akash and Shruti have a ball realizing how special their first meeting was and how their first meeting was filled with such serendipity. They move in together (live in) for almost 2 months now. The first fight starts off on a stupid insecurity issue (from Shruti’s side). But slowly these insecurities harden and they quickly realize its because of their mindset. They have opposite personalities.

One year passes in ‘live in’ and things don’t improve. The fights didn’t end. They try to give deeper commitment a chance. They get engaged thinking this will reduce their insecurities and liken their mindsets. But it only makes things worse. The fights get more nasty, physical (from Shruti’s side) and more frequent.

They sit down on a Sunday morning and talk their hearts out. They decide to break the engagement and move on.

Then on Tuesday, Akash meets Neha, a girl from Delhi, casually at a bar. He engages her wittily in a conversation and they get to know more about each other. Akash learns that Neha recently got engaged. He tells her that his engagement got broken 2 days ago. Neha tells Akash that they both meeting that night could be a sign (of the universe) since she’s already contemplating breaking her engagement too.

Few days later Neha breaks her engagement with her fiancé Amit and starts dating Akash.

Now Amit tries to trace Shruti and befriends her and tries to make Shruti fall for him. Shruti also tries to break things between Akash and Neha!

And so the cruel love-games kick off. Who will emerge victorious and how.

“2 couples. 3 love stories. Highly twisted. Highly romantic. Highly contemporary love stories of modern Indian couples.

–Varun Gowtham Mannava

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